Eric Cantor Receives Undue Criticism

Republican Congressman Eric Cantor, majority leader in the U.S. House Representatives, received harsh  criticism from President Obama for his disruptive behavior during deficit reduction talks.  It was reported that he interrupted the President on several occasions and then abruptly left the conference room in the middle of negotiations and did not return. The President expressed his frustration with the Congressman's behavior and has accused the GOP in general of refusing to compromise on purely ideological grounds.  The President quickly retracted the criticism when it was learned that the congressman had run through the hallways of the Whitehouse desperately asking for directions to the public facilities, got lost, and was unable to return before the end of the session.  The incident has restored hope that a deal can still be reached.

Tea Party Congressman Calls President A Liar

Newly elected Tea Party Congressman Joe Walsh has released a video accusing President Obama of lying about the consequences of not raising the debt ceiling.  By claiming that there will be no adverse effects should the U.S. default on its obligations, he appears to be singing the same old conservative tune that is clearly out of touch with popular opinion.  According to his press secretary, the President has responded directly to the Congressman as follows:  "I know Joe Walsh and you, sir, are no Joe Walsh!"

Terrorists Have New Strategy To Conceal Explosives

According to an anonymous source in the CIA, terrorists are developing new strategies to wage war on U.S. soil. Particularly, they are planning to conceal explosive devices by implanting them into inconspicuous parts of the body.  This has raised new concerns for national security as well as the hopes of the millions of desperate terrorists afflicted with the chronic ailment known as erectile dysfunction.

Fidel Castro's Concern Is A Real Croc

Cuban Strongman Fidel Castro has released an official statement regarding an ecological problem in the tiny island nation. According to biologists, the indigenous crocodile population is in danger of extinction due to the intrusion of American crocodiles from Florida. Apparently, the American species is physically superior and is threatening to replace the Cuban variety. This is significant because the Cuban crocs have a highly-adaptive and unique trait of social cooperation that is particularly effective in hunting behavior. As expected, Castro addressed the problem as follows: "This is obviously another capitalist attack on the inherent superiority of socialism."

New Phone Service Available For Prison Inmates

There are reports of a new telephone service offering reduced rates for phone calls made to prison inmates. This is welcome news for their families and other individuals who wish to have frequent contact with them. The reduced rates, however, will not apply if the inmate is in solitary confinement or out in the yard, and somebody has to take a message, especially on a lunch break. Needless to say, the highest rates will apply to any calls from a telemarketer offering a mail-order seminar on time mangement techniques, especially to inmates on death row.

Congressman Weiner Forced To Resign

Sadly, a great crusader for the rights of the average American, Congressman Anthony Weiner (D-N.Y.), has resigned due to pressure not only from Republicans but from his own party as well. Journalists have accused the Democrats of disloyalty and of playing into the hands of the conservatives.  They maintain that Weiner's acts were insignificant when compared to those of Republican Senators Vitter and Ensign. In response, the Democratc leadership has released this official statement.  "This has been a big distraction from the issues and it is clear from all of these cases that what may start out as a small matter in today's political climate can reach mammoth proportions very quickly. Just to be sure, we will not be satisfied until we have reviewed the salacious e-mail images over and over and over again."

U.S. Supreme Court Dismisses Sex Discrimation Case

In a landmark decision that is sure to weaken the rights of women to sue for discrimination in hiring practices, the U.S. Supreme Court has dismissed a class-action suit against the Wal-Mart corporation. Justice Anthony Scalia, who wrote the opinion for the conservative majority, reasoned that the women had failed to show that their claims were similar enough to constitute a class. But his partiality was immediately called into question when he urged the women to let the men handle it and not to worry their "pretty little heads" about it anymore.