Congressman Weiner Forced To Resign

Sadly, a great crusader for the rights of the average American, Congressman Anthony Weiner (D-N.Y.), has resigned due to pressure not only from Republicans but from his own party as well. Journalists have accused the Democrats of disloyalty and of playing into the hands of the conservatives.  They maintain that Weiner's acts were insignificant when compared to those of Republican Senators Vitter and Ensign. In response, the Democratc leadership has released this official statement.  "This has been a big distraction from the issues and it is clear from all of these cases that what may start out as a small matter in today's political climate can reach mammoth proportions very quickly. Just to be sure, we will not be satisfied until we have reviewed the salacious e-mail images over and over and over again."

U.S. Supreme Court Dismisses Sex Discrimation Case

In a landmark decision that is sure to weaken the rights of women to sue for discrimination in hiring practices, the U.S. Supreme Court has dismissed a class-action suit against the Wal-Mart corporation. Justice Anthony Scalia, who wrote the opinion for the conservative majority, reasoned that the women had failed to show that their claims were similar enough to constitute a class. But his partiality was immediately called into question when he urged the women to let the men handle it and not to worry their "pretty little heads" about it anymore.

President Obama And Speaker John Boehner Hit The Links

In a rare attempt to show some bi-partisan unity, President Obama and Speaker of the House Boehner got together to shoot a friendly round of golf.  The President wanted to play at a public course but the Speaker said it would be a waste of taxpayer's money, especially given the President's handicap. Instead, they played at the Speaker's ritzy country club.  When they entered the lobby, security personnel from the club immediately pulled the Speaker aside to remind him of the membership restrictions.  Mr. Boehner explained that it was okay because his golf partner was the President of the United States. But the staff was skeptical and demanded to see his birth certificate. When they reached the first tee, any semblance of cooperation soon dissipated.  The Speaker shanked his first shot into the deep rough on the right while the President proceeded to slice his into the trees on the left.  Predictably, it was a very long and boring game as neither one of them hit a ball down the middle of the fairway all afternoon.    

Royal Wedding Responsible For Barrage Of Headwear

Stylish headwear was the big story at the royal wedding and nearly dwarfed interest in the ceremony itself. While Libyan henchman Moammar Khadaffy was understandably not invited, his hats were a big hit and are now all the rage in London fashion circles.

Sarah Palin Takes Aim At American History

On her recent bus tour, Sarah Palin stopped in Boston, Massachusettes. When asked to give her account of the famous midnight ride of Paul Revere, she proved herself once again to be a die-hard revisionist. The official account, which was recorded in vivid detail and in real time, is known to virtually every child by the time he reaches third-grade. Nonetheless, Palin adheres to her unconventional views. A true maverick in every sense, she maintains that Revere used gunshots and bells to warn the British that the Americans were coming. When told that lanterns had been used as a silent signal to the colonists that the British were coming, she  replied, "Oh, yeah, then how was he supposed to keep his lanterns from going out if he went by sea, even if his horse could swim all the way to Boston?"

President Obama Reveals Plan To Raise Revenue

President Obama met with Republicans legislators at the Whitehouse on Tuesday to offer a solution to the impasse on deficit reduction.  The Republicans, who had already voted not to raise the debt ceiling, have demanded that two trillion dollars be slashed from the budget before they will vote in favor of it.  The President, unwilling to destroy the safety net for the disadvantaged, disabled and retired persons living on fixed incomes, proposed raising revenues instead without raising taxes.   "I've got a great idea," he said. "Why don't all you Tea Party guys take the billions of dollars you're gonna get from the Koch brothers and their buddies in 2012, then eliminate your own jobs, and use that money to reduce the deficit.?"  Dumbfounded, they looked to Speaker of the House John Boehner for guidance.  He thought it over for a few minutes, then smiled broadly, wagged his finger at the President, and said, "Awwww, you're just trying to trick us again, ain't you?"