Republicans Backpedal On Budget Plan

As Republicans reap the whirlwind from the Paul Ryan budget, a clever poltical strategy has been devised. They now claim that they had always regarded the unpopular legislation as little more than a "test" to gauge public opinion. The latest polls reveal that only twenty-three percent of Americans are in favor of the radical plan.  Thus, Speaker of  the House John Boehner, in order to avoid a political catastrophe, is saying that the test will be graded "on a curve."

Computer Blamed For President's Codename

It was revealed that the codename assigned to President Obama in his recent visit to the U.K. was not befitting a person of his stature. According to British authoritiies, a computer had randomly selected one that roughly translates as "smart-alec". When the computer was asked to comment on the blunder, it replied that, since the wedding, everybody was fed up with all the pomp and circumstance and were badly in need of some diplomatic high jinx.

President O'Bama Visits Ireland

The purpose of President Obama's recent visit to the United Kingdom was to bolster diplomatic relations and to visit Moneygall, Ireland, the tiny hometown of his great-great-great grandfather.  As expected, when the President revealed that his distant ancestor had been a White man of European descent, congressional Republicans immediately demanded to see his birth certificate as well. 

Life On Earth Goes On

The countless doomsayers who predicted the end of the world are not surprised that their dire predictions proved to be false. In a press conference scheduled for the day after the world was supposed to end, just in case it didn't, a would be "prophet of doom" explained: "Your enthusiastic response to this crisis has convinced the forces of death and destruction that we are fully capable of doing the job ourselves.  Just in case, they will be checking up on us once a year to monitor our progress.  So please give accordingly and remember, your donations are strictly confidential."

The New Democrat Party

Since the election of President Obama, the Republicans have gotten into the habit of referring to their rivals as the Democrat Party. Speaker of the House John Boehner, choking back tears, has said that the name,   "Democratic", causes the American people to be confused about who is really watching out for their best interests. When pressed further, he explained that "Democratic" is an adjective, which is misleading to the vast majority of his constituents who are still working on their nouns.

Trump Drops Presidential Bid

Now that his television show has been picked up by NBC for another season, Donald Trump has cut short his political career, as predicted.  When asked at his final press conference how he now sees the presidential race, he replied, "I have always gotten along fine with black people but in a position of this importance, I would still prefer a white one."

Royal Wedding Gown Gets Special Treatment

Following last week's glamorous and momentous royal wedding, an enraptured public was thrilled to learn that the bride-to-be's wedding gown had been given its own suite at the exclusive hotel where the royals stayed the night before the ceremony. It was revealed by the hotel staff that the future Duchesses' breakfast menu included items from the cereal, dairy and fruit groups. In contrast, the gown's diet was mostly starch.

Ugandan Parliament Shelves Anti-Gay Legislation

After years of heated debate that received international attention from civil rights groups, the Ugandan parliament has, for the time being, dropped its push for the enactment of a law making homosexuality a crime punishable by death. The extremely conservative advocates of the bill have claimed that the United States has paid Ugandan citizens to be gay in order to satisfy special interest groups in the West. In order to take advantage of this diplomatic tension, there are many shrewd Ugandans who are claiming to be gay and offering to "switch back" if the government can make a better offer.    

Republicans Consider New Border Patrol Strategy

In a speech to Texas Latinos, President Obama stated that the Republican solution to illegal immigration is to dig a moat at the border and fill it with alligators. Senators John McCain and Jon Kyle admitted they had considered this option but were concerned that standard border patrol uniforms would be too small.

Charges Dropped Against Long-term Detainees

Due to pressure from Amnesty International, the U.S. Government was forced to drop charges against long-term detainees at Guantanamo Bay because of lack of evidence of terrorist activities. But due to some quick thinking by the Justice Department officials, they remain in custody facing new charges for loitering.

Cheney Advises Bush To Torture Terrorists

An anonymous source at the Department of Homeland Security has revealed that Vice-President Dick Cheney tricked President Bush into torturing detainees with a memo saying that they had never been to the beach and would like to go waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay.

Controversy Over Osama's Burial At Sea

It has come to light that Bin Laden was buried at sea because funding for furneral services for terrorists has been slashed from the federal budget. Also, the Navy was going to the Indian Ocean anyway and offered to drop him off.

How Osama's Courier Was Identified

Osama's hideout may never have been discovered if not for the large brown delivery truck that frequented his compound. The break came when, after extensive surveillance, the CIA was able to determine that the cryptic gold lettering on the sides of the vehicle stood for Us 'r' Pakistani Security.

Bin Laden's Last Stand

When pressured by the press to explain the circumstances of Bin Laden's Last Stand, the Whitehouse press secretary said force had been necessary because Bin Laden appeared to be wearing a vest containing a suicide bomb.  Since then, new information has come out that Bin Laden was also wearing a smart sports jacket that did not contain any explosives but was clearly too much for the occasion.

Pakistani Officials Deny Knowledge Of Bin Laden Hideout

Pakistani officials deny knowledge of Bin Laden's hideout, saying they thought the massive residential compound was a nursing home for suicide bombers whose unsuccessful attempts have been explained by a clinical psychologist as follows:  "This typically is the oversensitive terrorist who feels unappreciated and whose self-destructive acting-out is merely a cry for help."

Royal Family Needs New Blood

Prior to the wedding, it was noted that the bride was the first commoner to wed into the royal family since the 1700's.. This decision was viewed as absolutely necessary since inbreeding within the ruling class has allegedly resulted in severe birth defects such as "hemophilia." Naturally, conservative members of the British Parliament dispute these findings by insisting that hemophilia is a choice and not a genetic predisposition. Additionally, it is hoped that this decision will put an end to the rash of crank calls coming in nightly to Buckingham Palace, in which an unidentified voice keeps asking, "Is this the Royal Court Trailer Park?"