Eric Cantor Receives Undue Criticism

Republican Congressman Eric Cantor, majority leader in the U.S. House Representatives, received harsh  criticism from President Obama for his disruptive behavior during deficit reduction talks.  It was reported that he interrupted the President on several occasions and then abruptly left the conference room in the middle of negotiations and did not return. The President expressed his frustration with the Congressman's behavior and has accused the GOP in general of refusing to compromise on purely ideological grounds.  The President quickly retracted the criticism when it was learned that the congressman had run through the hallways of the Whitehouse desperately asking for directions to the public facilities, got lost, and was unable to return before the end of the session.  The incident has restored hope that a deal can still be reached.

Tea Party Congressman Calls President A Liar

Newly elected Tea Party Congressman Joe Walsh has released a video accusing President Obama of lying about the consequences of not raising the debt ceiling.  By claiming that there will be no adverse effects should the U.S. default on its obligations, he appears to be singing the same old conservative tune that is clearly out of touch with popular opinion.  According to his press secretary, the President has responded directly to the Congressman as follows:  "I know Joe Walsh and you, sir, are no Joe Walsh!"

Terrorists Have New Strategy To Conceal Explosives

According to an anonymous source in the CIA, terrorists are developing new strategies to wage war on U.S. soil. Particularly, they are planning to conceal explosive devices by implanting them into inconspicuous parts of the body.  This has raised new concerns for national security as well as the hopes of the millions of desperate terrorists afflicted with the chronic ailment known as erectile dysfunction.

Fidel Castro's Concern Is A Real Croc

Cuban Strongman Fidel Castro has released an official statement regarding an ecological problem in the tiny island nation. According to biologists, the indigenous crocodile population is in danger of extinction due to the intrusion of American crocodiles from Florida. Apparently, the American species is physically superior and is threatening to replace the Cuban variety. This is significant because the Cuban crocs have a highly-adaptive and unique trait of social cooperation that is particularly effective in hunting behavior. As expected, Castro addressed the problem as follows: "This is obviously another capitalist attack on the inherent superiority of socialism."

New Phone Service Available For Prison Inmates

There are reports of a new telephone service offering reduced rates for phone calls made to prison inmates. This is welcome news for their families and other individuals who wish to have frequent contact with them. The reduced rates, however, will not apply if the inmate is in solitary confinement or out in the yard, and somebody has to take a message, especially on a lunch break. Needless to say, the highest rates will apply to any calls from a telemarketer offering a mail-order seminar on time mangement techniques, especially to inmates on death row.

Congressman Weiner Forced To Resign

Sadly, a great crusader for the rights of the average American, Congressman Anthony Weiner (D-N.Y.), has resigned due to pressure not only from Republicans but from his own party as well. Journalists have accused the Democrats of disloyalty and of playing into the hands of the conservatives.  They maintain that Weiner's acts were insignificant when compared to those of Republican Senators Vitter and Ensign. In response, the Democratc leadership has released this official statement.  "This has been a big distraction from the issues and it is clear from all of these cases that what may start out as a small matter in today's political climate can reach mammoth proportions very quickly. Just to be sure, we will not be satisfied until we have reviewed the salacious e-mail images over and over and over again."

U.S. Supreme Court Dismisses Sex Discrimation Case

In a landmark decision that is sure to weaken the rights of women to sue for discrimination in hiring practices, the U.S. Supreme Court has dismissed a class-action suit against the Wal-Mart corporation. Justice Anthony Scalia, who wrote the opinion for the conservative majority, reasoned that the women had failed to show that their claims were similar enough to constitute a class. But his partiality was immediately called into question when he urged the women to let the men handle it and not to worry their "pretty little heads" about it anymore.

President Obama And Speaker John Boehner Hit The Links

In a rare attempt to show some bi-partisan unity, President Obama and Speaker of the House Boehner got together to shoot a friendly round of golf.  The President wanted to play at a public course but the Speaker said it would be a waste of taxpayer's money, especially given the President's handicap. Instead, they played at the Speaker's ritzy country club.  When they entered the lobby, security personnel from the club immediately pulled the Speaker aside to remind him of the membership restrictions.  Mr. Boehner explained that it was okay because his golf partner was the President of the United States. But the staff was skeptical and demanded to see his birth certificate. When they reached the first tee, any semblance of cooperation soon dissipated.  The Speaker shanked his first shot into the deep rough on the right while the President proceeded to slice his into the trees on the left.  Predictably, it was a very long and boring game as neither one of them hit a ball down the middle of the fairway all afternoon.    

Royal Wedding Responsible For Barrage Of Headwear

Stylish headwear was the big story at the royal wedding and nearly dwarfed interest in the ceremony itself. While Libyan henchman Moammar Khadaffy was understandably not invited, his hats were a big hit and are now all the rage in London fashion circles.

Sarah Palin Takes Aim At American History

On her recent bus tour, Sarah Palin stopped in Boston, Massachusettes. When asked to give her account of the famous midnight ride of Paul Revere, she proved herself once again to be a die-hard revisionist. The official account, which was recorded in vivid detail and in real time, is known to virtually every child by the time he reaches third-grade. Nonetheless, Palin adheres to her unconventional views. A true maverick in every sense, she maintains that Revere used gunshots and bells to warn the British that the Americans were coming. When told that lanterns had been used as a silent signal to the colonists that the British were coming, she  replied, "Oh, yeah, then how was he supposed to keep his lanterns from going out if he went by sea, even if his horse could swim all the way to Boston?"

President Obama Reveals Plan To Raise Revenue

President Obama met with Republicans legislators at the Whitehouse on Tuesday to offer a solution to the impasse on deficit reduction.  The Republicans, who had already voted not to raise the debt ceiling, have demanded that two trillion dollars be slashed from the budget before they will vote in favor of it.  The President, unwilling to destroy the safety net for the disadvantaged, disabled and retired persons living on fixed incomes, proposed raising revenues instead without raising taxes.   "I've got a great idea," he said. "Why don't all you Tea Party guys take the billions of dollars you're gonna get from the Koch brothers and their buddies in 2012, then eliminate your own jobs, and use that money to reduce the deficit.?"  Dumbfounded, they looked to Speaker of the House John Boehner for guidance.  He thought it over for a few minutes, then smiled broadly, wagged his finger at the President, and said, "Awwww, you're just trying to trick us again, ain't you?"

Republicans Backpedal On Budget Plan

As Republicans reap the whirlwind from the Paul Ryan budget, a clever poltical strategy has been devised. They now claim that they had always regarded the unpopular legislation as little more than a "test" to gauge public opinion. The latest polls reveal that only twenty-three percent of Americans are in favor of the radical plan.  Thus, Speaker of  the House John Boehner, in order to avoid a political catastrophe, is saying that the test will be graded "on a curve."

Computer Blamed For President's Codename

It was revealed that the codename assigned to President Obama in his recent visit to the U.K. was not befitting a person of his stature. According to British authoritiies, a computer had randomly selected one that roughly translates as "smart-alec". When the computer was asked to comment on the blunder, it replied that, since the wedding, everybody was fed up with all the pomp and circumstance and were badly in need of some diplomatic high jinx.

President O'Bama Visits Ireland

The purpose of President Obama's recent visit to the United Kingdom was to bolster diplomatic relations and to visit Moneygall, Ireland, the tiny hometown of his great-great-great grandfather.  As expected, when the President revealed that his distant ancestor had been a White man of European descent, congressional Republicans immediately demanded to see his birth certificate as well. 

Life On Earth Goes On

The countless doomsayers who predicted the end of the world are not surprised that their dire predictions proved to be false. In a press conference scheduled for the day after the world was supposed to end, just in case it didn't, a would be "prophet of doom" explained: "Your enthusiastic response to this crisis has convinced the forces of death and destruction that we are fully capable of doing the job ourselves.  Just in case, they will be checking up on us once a year to monitor our progress.  So please give accordingly and remember, your donations are strictly confidential."

The New Democrat Party

Since the election of President Obama, the Republicans have gotten into the habit of referring to their rivals as the Democrat Party. Speaker of the House John Boehner, choking back tears, has said that the name,   "Democratic", causes the American people to be confused about who is really watching out for their best interests. When pressed further, he explained that "Democratic" is an adjective, which is misleading to the vast majority of his constituents who are still working on their nouns.

Trump Drops Presidential Bid

Now that his television show has been picked up by NBC for another season, Donald Trump has cut short his political career, as predicted.  When asked at his final press conference how he now sees the presidential race, he replied, "I have always gotten along fine with black people but in a position of this importance, I would still prefer a white one."

Royal Wedding Gown Gets Special Treatment

Following last week's glamorous and momentous royal wedding, an enraptured public was thrilled to learn that the bride-to-be's wedding gown had been given its own suite at the exclusive hotel where the royals stayed the night before the ceremony. It was revealed by the hotel staff that the future Duchesses' breakfast menu included items from the cereal, dairy and fruit groups. In contrast, the gown's diet was mostly starch.

Ugandan Parliament Shelves Anti-Gay Legislation

After years of heated debate that received international attention from civil rights groups, the Ugandan parliament has, for the time being, dropped its push for the enactment of a law making homosexuality a crime punishable by death. The extremely conservative advocates of the bill have claimed that the United States has paid Ugandan citizens to be gay in order to satisfy special interest groups in the West. In order to take advantage of this diplomatic tension, there are many shrewd Ugandans who are claiming to be gay and offering to "switch back" if the government can make a better offer.    

Republicans Consider New Border Patrol Strategy

In a speech to Texas Latinos, President Obama stated that the Republican solution to illegal immigration is to dig a moat at the border and fill it with alligators. Senators John McCain and Jon Kyle admitted they had considered this option but were concerned that standard border patrol uniforms would be too small.

Charges Dropped Against Long-term Detainees

Due to pressure from Amnesty International, the U.S. Government was forced to drop charges against long-term detainees at Guantanamo Bay because of lack of evidence of terrorist activities. But due to some quick thinking by the Justice Department officials, they remain in custody facing new charges for loitering.

Cheney Advises Bush To Torture Terrorists

An anonymous source at the Department of Homeland Security has revealed that Vice-President Dick Cheney tricked President Bush into torturing detainees with a memo saying that they had never been to the beach and would like to go waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay.

Controversy Over Osama's Burial At Sea

It has come to light that Bin Laden was buried at sea because funding for furneral services for terrorists has been slashed from the federal budget. Also, the Navy was going to the Indian Ocean anyway and offered to drop him off.

How Osama's Courier Was Identified

Osama's hideout may never have been discovered if not for the large brown delivery truck that frequented his compound. The break came when, after extensive surveillance, the CIA was able to determine that the cryptic gold lettering on the sides of the vehicle stood for Us 'r' Pakistani Security.

Bin Laden's Last Stand

When pressured by the press to explain the circumstances of Bin Laden's Last Stand, the Whitehouse press secretary said force had been necessary because Bin Laden appeared to be wearing a vest containing a suicide bomb.  Since then, new information has come out that Bin Laden was also wearing a smart sports jacket that did not contain any explosives but was clearly too much for the occasion.

Pakistani Officials Deny Knowledge Of Bin Laden Hideout

Pakistani officials deny knowledge of Bin Laden's hideout, saying they thought the massive residential compound was a nursing home for suicide bombers whose unsuccessful attempts have been explained by a clinical psychologist as follows:  "This typically is the oversensitive terrorist who feels unappreciated and whose self-destructive acting-out is merely a cry for help."

Royal Family Needs New Blood

Prior to the wedding, it was noted that the bride was the first commoner to wed into the royal family since the 1700's.. This decision was viewed as absolutely necessary since inbreeding within the ruling class has allegedly resulted in severe birth defects such as "hemophilia." Naturally, conservative members of the British Parliament dispute these findings by insisting that hemophilia is a choice and not a genetic predisposition. Additionally, it is hoped that this decision will put an end to the rash of crank calls coming in nightly to Buckingham Palace, in which an unidentified voice keeps asking, "Is this the Royal Court Trailer Park?"